A field guide to first years

By Prof. Johannes VanderGraaff PhD. OBE. (Jaffial studies at EMSU)

The first year student (Discipulus annus primus) also colloquially known in many regions as a ‘Jaffy’, is a unique part of the fauna of tertiary institutions the world over. Superficially they bear a considerable resemblance to the common tertiary student (Discipulus reguliarum) although a trained observer is generally able distinguish between the two without much difficulty due to the presence of tell-tale features such as:

-First years, upon first release into a tertiary institution, commence their student life with a very limited sense of direction, and as such are frequently sighted wandering around campi without apparent purpose and with bewildered looks spread across their faces.

The Youth of Today

(written for publication in the prestigious journal that is the EMS newsletter)

I’m sitting in the student union computing centre, waiting slightly anxiously as 5.30 comes nearer. I’ve never done anything of the sort before, but fortunately I do have some idea of what to expect, I have after all watched people conduct interviews in the past. My task is simple really, to go along to Tuesday stage band, locate a couple of first-year victims, and to get a whole first-year perspective on the entity we know and love as the Engineering Music Society. It is a bit odd really, searching for this supposedly foreign ‘first-year perspective’ when I am of course a first-year myself, but I don’t doubt that it will be an illuminating experience nonetheless. Now, back to working out what I’m going to ask. This could be the start of the career in journalism that I never realised I wanted to have. I still don’t think want one, but just in case, I don’t want to screw this up.