A field guide to first years

By Prof. Johannes VanderGraaff PhD. OBE. (Jaffial studies at EMSU)

The first year student (Discipulus annus primus) also colloquially known in many regions as a ‘Jaffy’, is a unique part of the fauna of tertiary institutions the world over. Superficially they bear a considerable resemblance to the common tertiary student (Discipulus reguliarum) although a trained observer is generally able distinguish between the two without much difficulty due to the presence of tell-tale features such as:

-First years, upon first release into a tertiary institution, commence their student life with a very limited sense of direction, and as such are frequently sighted wandering around campi without apparent purpose and with bewildered looks spread across their faces.

-First years, especially early on in their development, are observed to have a strong affinity to maps, which results from the aforementioned lack of awareness of their orientation. Consequently, first years, if not directly engaged in decoding maps, will usually carry maps within easy access, lest they become disoriented.

-Like many students (notably not including post graduate students, who are known to study all year long), first years hibernate over summer; however they are identifiable by the fact that they return from hibernation earlier than other students, usually in order to attend O-type gatherings, for example O-weeks, and O-days and so on.

-An additional common feature is usually a lower tolerance to alcohol consumption, although this is becoming less of a definitive sign of first yearness, as a higher alcohol tolerance seems to be evolving as an adaption to the current prevalence of underage drinking in the student community, particular amongst high school students (Discipulus secondarium).

Life Cycle:

-They have a very limited life-expectancy, for they are not known to exist beyond a period one year, which is one significant difference between the first year and the common tertiary student, who have been known to exist for periods of up to 10 years or more.

-The reproductive cycle of first years is especially mysterious, for although they are known to mate on occasion, the female very rarely shows evidence of pregnancy or childbirth. Despite this, there have not ever been recorded severe shortages of first-years for the subsequent year’s generation, so the species’ continued survival is not thought to be threatened.

First year recruitment:

We in the Engineering Music Society have a particular interest in this creature, as having youthful vitality about the place, brought in by a steady stream of first years, helps to combat he dismal aura of bygone nostalgia that often arises amongst the older members.

As such, should you encounter a first-year on your travels, be sure to bring it along to the EMS office for observation/recruitment/general experimentation purposes. The process of ensnaring a first-year for transportation to our office is relatively straightforward.

To first engage with a specimen (or with specimens, they often travel in small groups of 2-5 members) you can start by offering something that they want. All students from all backgrounds are always susceptible to ‘free stuff’, so that is one option that is sure to work, however if you don’t desire to hand out material goods, first-years are always glad to receive directions.

Once you have engaged your subjects, broach the topic of the EMS, and in particular how exceedingly excellent it is. Key topics for discussion are how fun we are and how easy it is to make friends (this is a potent point, as first years are always on the lookout for new friends).

Once they have been persuaded of our excellence, offer to show them to our office so they can sign up right away, if they say yes, then you have the simple job of escorting them there, and letting the on-duty committee member fill out the relevant paper work, and you head off feeling a proud and valuable member to the EMS.

If however they aren’t so keen on joining right away, it is slightly more difficult but this is what to do. (A little bit of deceit is required, but it is all for the best). Preying on their lack of knowledge of directions/campus layout, slyly offer to show them to their next class via a ‘secret shortcut’ that only more senior students know about.

You know what to do next, this ‘secret shortcut’ is just of course a direct route to our office, where you can restrain them, bundle them inside and let the on-duty committee member expertly deal with a baffled, confused, and cranky first year, deal with them so expertly that by the time the committee member’s done, they are converts to the EMS cause! You can now equally head off feeling a proud and valuable member of the EMS.